Climbing Empty Nest Mountain

I have been an empty-nester for almost five years now and have finally nearly made it to the top of that emotional mountain. As much as I tried to get ready for this part of my life, I was bowled over by its actual impact when it happened. The days of coming to terms with the end of child-rearing brought me a lot of unexpected feelings. Sometimes I turned into a woman I hardly recognized, I was so overwhelmed with emotion.

I thought I had done a great job of preparing for the day that all of my children left home. My husband and I kept our marriage central to our lives; we kept the romance alive and developed common interests that we could continue to share when we no longer had the kids to focus upon. We looked forward to eating whatever we wanted, going wherever we wanted and doing whatever we wanted in peace and quiet in our own home.

In the early days, all of that freedom was not as cool as I had imagined it would be. Our home was too, too quiet. We didn’t feel like going anywhere without the kids and we couldn’t remember what it was that we were going to do with all of that free time. I had to battle mild depression that made me want to hole up every weekend and not do anything.

However, the eating-whatever-we-want part was actually pretty great. In a way it became our ticket out of being stuck at home. I began to try new recipes that I had not considered while we had so many hungry mouths to feed. Bern and I went to new restaurants and dined with friends. At home I launched into picturesque adventures in good eating. You may think I am kidding, but on my husband’s Facebook page you will occasionally find pictures of food I have prepared for him. He loves a good meal.

I am pleased with my life now, but there were a lot of switch-backs on the way to get where I am today. It was a challenge, but each turn along the way brought me closer to the goal, which was empty nest contentment.

Here is one of the things I faced and what I did to get through it. I call it The Identity Crisis:

After twenty-seven years of investing everything I had in our children, I experienced a loss of identity when they became independent. I applauded their success, but where did that leave me? In a very short period of time my husband I went from being their primary support and number one counselors to being distant voices on the sidelines of their lives. We felt forgotten--or at least I did. I am now convinced that mothers feel much more deeply than fathers the effects of releasing their kids to the world.

This was the hardest switchback for me in my emotional climb, my loss of identity as a full-time mother. For a couple of years I felt hollow inside. No amount of self-talk and working on life plans could quell that emptiness. I had to get through it as if I were going through a grief experience...which I was. It was not a death, but it was the end of a huge part of my life. People assured me that I had not lost my kids, but had achieved the goal of parenting which is to see them become successful adults. I agreed, but how I missed the relationship I had with them for so many years! I felt lost without them.

After a couple of years, I finally gave myself permission to let my grief run its course. I quit trying to manage my feelings and I quit apologizing for feeling sad. I began to recognize that there were parts of me that were never going to respond to rational thought. I treated myself with gentleness and kindness and if anyone asked, I decided to tell the truth: I was having some very sad days and trying to talk me out of that wasn’t going to work.

Doing this got me unstuck emotionally. I was able to let the “mommy” in me fade gently into the past as I honored my feelings about who she had been. I sympathized with my mommy-self and once I had run the gamut of her emotions, I found there was a new woman emerging to take her place. This was the creative, restless woman who had been waiting for decades to express herself, the part of me that remained dormant while I devoted myself to child-rearing. The woman that is emerging now is a seminary student, writer and teacher. She is also a grateful woman, thankful for the wealth of life experience she has to draw upon.

There have been many other switchbacks. One was learning how to communicate with my adult children without being annoying. That one took me about 4.75 years to traverse. I don’t think my kids thought I was particularly annoying during that time, but I was constantly watchful, learning how to ask questions, express concern or participate in their lives without stepping on their toes.

Another was Dealing with Holidays, which actually resolved itself pretty quickly. I just told all of my kids that I would never struggle with them over the holidays; I would trust them to do what was best for all concerned when they made their plans. The first Christmas that no one came home I was frantically re-thinking that, but it is still my policy and I think it is a good one.

Sometime I will share how I beat a path over the switchback of family jealousy. It was tough to traverse that one because I was carrying a huge pack of resentment at the time, but it was probably my final switchback, the one that brought me to the top of the mountain and the place of contentment where I live now.

Yes, I think there may be some more blog entries inside me on this subject of Climbing Empty Nest Mountain.